[BLACKWIDOW]

HELP,
MY 9 YEAR JUST CALLED ME CRYING, AT 8PM SHE JUST FINISHED DINNER WITH HER DAD AND STILL HAS A BUTT LOAD OF HOMEWORK. WITHIN THE FIRST 5 MINUTES OF GETTING THEM AFTER WORK HE TOLD THEM TO SHUT UP TWICE AND THREATENED TO PULL OVER AND BEAT THEIR A**
WE ARE BOTH FIREFIGHTERS 24ON 48 OFF HE WORKED B SHIFT I WORKED C SHIFT. THAT WAS GREAT. UNTILL HE DECIDED TO GO TO A 40 HOUR WORK WEEK AND NEGLECTED TO PLAN AHEAD FOR CHILD CARE OR THINK THRU WHAT WAS BEST FOR MY "CHICKS" THEY ARE 9 AND 12 AND HAVE BY AND LARGE BEEN WITH US (WITH HIM ON MY SHIFT AND WITH ME ON MY 2 DAYS OFF.) I HAD A GREAT ATTOURNEY BY THE WAY SHE IS MARRIED TO A FIRE FIGHTER. DIVORCE READS "FATHER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR CHILDRENS CARE ON MOTHERS DUTY DAYS" AND OTHER REASONABLE VISITATION...

1) IDEAS FOR REGULAR CHILD CARE, FAMILY IS NOT AN OPTION NOR IS AFTER SCHOOL CARE FOR A 12 YEAR OLD IN A RURAL AREA. NOW THEY GO TO WHAT EVER FRIEND WILL TAKE THEM...

2)HOW CAN I GET HIM TO UNDERSTAND THEY NEED TO BE IN BED NOT EATING AT 8PM. THE 9 YEAR OLD HAS HAD NAUSEA VOMITING FOR MONTHS NOW, EATING AT 8PM CAN'T BE GOOD.

3) HE GETS OFF WORK AT 430 AND GETS THE GIRLS AT 6PM ???

HOW DO NORMAL PEOPLE DO IT.?? I KNOW "MY CHICKS" WERE SPOILED WITH ONE OF US ALWAYS THERE. THIS IS JUST BAD FOR THEM.

THANKS
THE BLACK WIDOW

[Kelly]

I have girls the same age. When they were younger, the older one lived with her dad and the younger one went to a 24 hour babysitter. When I married a fellow firefighter, who happens to be a chief officer with a 40 hour plus workweek, the older one moved home. We let them come home for an hour or 2 by themselves after school. They did their homework and he checked it when he got home. Now the older one went back to her dads and we have the 9 year old and a 14 month old. We use a before and after school program, that is at the school, run by the YMCA for the 9 year old. She must be picked up by 6 pm or they eventually contact the police. The baby goes to a private day care on my duty days. Is it possible to let them go home after school and wait for their dad. Is there anyone on your shift who's wife would be willing to care for your girls on your duty day? In a pinch we have used other officers wives while I am on duty. I know from experience that trying to change an exes bad habits is almost impossible. Mine forgets to buy food for the 9 year old when she visits and he lets her stay up half the night and sleep all day (he works nights and refuses to change his sleep schedule.) She is with us most of the time so these are only every other weekend problems. I too have no family to rely on, they are all at least an hour away on a good day. I am no expert, but maybe if you take the 9 year old to her pediatrician he\she could help explain to your ex about not eating at 8 pm and getting to sleep early. Keep your head up and things will eventually work out. My situation has improved ten fold since I met and married the best guy in the worl. Good Luck

[baileydonk]

Hi, Black Widow -

I don't have anything to say on the child care issue, but I wanted to ask you to please not use all capital letters in your posts. It's not easier to read, it's harder - and it looks like it's all yelling!

Sharon
_________________
"Twat, quat, bitch, or twunt... Do your job the right way, and get called names you want to hear".

- Denis Leary as Tommy Gavin on "Rescue Me"

[BLACKWIDOW]

Sharon,
Sorry about the whole caps thing but I am a fireperson, actually a driver engineer paramedic and not a typist. I am old, (22 years on the fd) and never took typing as there were no computers when I went thru school.

Kelly,

Thanks for all the great ideas. your statement "I know from experience that trying to change an exes bad habits is almost impossible." Really made me smile. I like the involve the Drs. advice too. Tonight dinner was a 1915 hours but the homework was done. I live to far from work to involve other FD people.
There is no way I can leave my 12 year old alone, She sleeps in the same room as her younger sister, by choice... so the monsters will eat the younger one first. my kids have really been sheltered.
By the way congradulations on marrying the best guy in the world...I am still looking.
The BLACK WIDOW

[baileydonk]

Whew. Thank you, BlackWidow - so much nicer to read.
_________________
"Twat, quat, bitch, or twunt... Do your job the right way, and get called names you want to hear".

- Denis Leary as Tommy Gavin on "Rescue Me"

[mdaeb]

[Kelly]

mdaeb, you either do not have kids or have never been divorced with kids. It's not easy to let your kids go with an ex. I know I have 2. I care and am very concerned about the wellfare of my kids and I know that all the "experts" say that kids should get 8 hours + of sleep at night and feeding them late does not help their sleeping. It's fine for an adult to stay up at night it's their problem if they are tired the next morning at work, school or whatever. Children need guidance and having a bedtime is not a bad thing. Maybe the parents need to get together and agree on bedtimes and discipline. I also see from Black widows post that her ex chose to go to Monday thru Friday and he did not arrange child care and he does not get home until six, that says to me irresponsible and the last time I checked the adult is reponsible for minor children. If his habits and child rearing is affecting the girls at school there is a problem and maybe he needs to address it. I can't speak for Blackwidow, but I know that sometimes you can't just quit your job and stay home. I also don't know what your situation is, but I would be very relieved if my ex got out of the picture and let me raise my child with my new husband because his keeping her up all night because he is a night person does affect her daily life when she is there, I see it all the time. And it has affected her school work.
Maybe you have had an amicable divorce with an ex and you get along well, but believe me it's not easy being on this side.

[mdaeb]

[BLACKWIDOW]

mdaeb,

Wow are you a guy on a womans web site ? It sure sounds that way ! I work 24 on 48 off because that is the position I was hired for 22 years ago. I can not arrange anything on his day. It is his responsibility and written in legal doccuments that way. I would love nothing less than to retire and stay home and raise my own children. NOT an option. His child support is reduced, by me, by 3/4 so what little he does pay won't cut it. If I want to feed my "chicks" I HAVE to work.
Shut up and stupid are bad works at my house, so you can only imagine how upset I was when they came home from his house with a CD with a song with the word mother f***er on it. Some people daddys have no judgement.
Oh by the way mdeab what makes you so mean EASE UP

Blackwidow

[Kelly]

I don't know what's up with this person, mdaeb, but she sure does have something against female firefighters. I'm getting a little bored with her thinking that only men should be firefighters and that we women folk should stay home and raise the kids.
I don't think you quite grasp how parenting partnership works. I believe that some daddys don't need to be involved in raising children. I didn't know how selfish my ex was until after I had the baby and he demanded that his needs, wants, etc. be put first. I got out as quick as I could, but it still wasn't fast enough. And I definitely don't think that it is selfish to want a bad person out of a childs life. My new husband treats my daughter 110% better than her own father does. Don't criticize someone if you have not "walked a mile in their shoes."

[BLACKWIDOW]

kelly,

I like your thinking. GOD bless you and yours. Good health, and good job on finding a good man and "daddy" for all your children.

[mdaeb]

[emtdixieladyff]

Blackwidow
I totally understand where you are coming from. My hubby and I have very demanding work schedules. He works 24(C shift) on 48 off for our county EMS service, on his off days during the week he works 9a.m. to 5 p.m. for a neighboring fire department. Plus goes to college full time for medic. My work schedule is just as demanding. I fill in for him on his 24 hour shift on the days he has school which is C shift, on B shift I have my 24 hours shift and on A shift I do a 12 hour night shift. Needless to say time is something we don't have. We have 2 daughters ages 15 and 9. And a 13 yr old son severally handicapped. Our son attends a special school for the blind with mental challenges, so he lives at school. ( That was not easy letting him go, but his improvements has only shown us that although it hurts deeply to not have him with us daily, we have done what was right for him.) For the girls, our 15 yr old is in the high school band, which leaves us without a sitter for the 9 yr old after school. One of us is at home at nights always. We to live in a rural area and the after school program was not really a option for us, however we checked with the youth group at our church and found a 16 yr old who was willing to watch our youngest after school. For us it has worked out great, she not only helps our youngest with her homework, she has also convienced her to exercise on a regular bases. They go walking daily, my daughter loves this so much that on the days she is not with the sitter she demands we go walking with her.

I totally also understand about ex husbands, my oldest daughters father has nothing to do with her, and it has been along battle. She will tell you my husband is the only daddy she has truely had in the last ten years.

I think having the Dr. talk to your ex about the importance of eating before 8 p.m. is great, maybe you could also have the Dr talk to him about making sure your daughter stays on a schedule. Its proven that children do better when they have a set schedule, and it is followed as closely as possible.

I think that the fact the you care so much for your children speaks volumes of the love you have for them. Never let anyone tell you different from how you truely feel for them. It is hard when you have support, it is even harder when you don't.

Your doing a great job, keep it up.
_________________
It'll all BUFF out!